Hopes, Cares and Dreams…

I still dream, I still care and I still have hope – these are the words that have been missing, lost and totally non existent in my vocabulary due to the demonic nature of this damned depression, setting up home in my weary mind and rapidly taking over every single cell of my body. There has been some good spells, where it has let up and given me a break, but, all in all, it’s done a pretty good job of changing who I am…

I know what causes it, it’s the pain, the chronic pain, the CRPS, the isolation, the limitations, the dreams or the lack there of, the life of a groundhog, lack of help and understanding, the worry and the fury. As I’ve said before it’s a snowball effect, a never ending one which has powers you never even new existed. It feeds and feeds itself off your sanity, consuming all emotions in the process as it lives in its own little paradise, while for me, it’s hell on earth and all that’s left is shattered dreams…

I’ve really been trying to see the future differently of late though. Having been left with a massive increase in pain from my pain-management appointment a week ago it seems as though I’m back to square one – back to dealing with this away from the healthcare system and working out how to manage this on my own. There’s absolutely no way I can do this pain-management programme considering the sessions are 3 hours long, as well as the hours car journey there and back! I’ve seen physio after physio trying to help me get my muscles in order, each time making me worse. It seems the CRPS has truly set in stone all over my body preventing me from building my muscles up. So now I’ve finally been looking towards a future as a disabled citizen riddled with pain as opposed to a healthy drifter living life to the full…

It’s difficult and it’s scary but this is my reality now and I have to come to terms with it. I’m not sure whether any progress has been made but I feel I’ve dealt with this huge increase in pain a lot better than I may have done a year ago – only time will tell how I’m getting on but my aim is to dream again, care more for my life again and find some hope for a future of happiness…

7 comments

  1. Hey there Chronic! I’m a blogger and supporter of chronic pain syndromes and PTSD, arthritis, etc. follow my stories, and maybe you can find some hope by comparing your depression with mine. I’m always around for support and help. Keep up with the hope! Be well 💜

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Anything, anytime. I know what we all go through. I like to think that I have a good handle on supporting us spoonies.

        Like

  2. My thoughts are with you. Depression is understandable with chronic pain and illness. There is tremendous grief for what has been lost and fear and grief about the future, which was supposed to go differently than it looks like it will be.

    The isolation is terrible. The doctors are trained to do physical treatments and are often indensitive about mental and emotional pain.

    It is good for you to reach out here. I wish for some moments of peace of mind for you.

    With compassion,
    Annie

    Like

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