prose

When the Fire burns out…

Sometimes there are no happy endings, if ever…! No matter how strong you think you are, how much fire is in your belly or how often it is stoked; somehow an over-powering sense of nothingness leaves you gasping for air. You can’t eat but wretch – struggle to breath and choke on the unrelenting pain that brought the times of old to an end, and the search for any zest becomes infinitely out of reach. The roads that once stretched for miles and miles, veering off into an array of directions, with endless possibilities, all bind into one as we fade off into the distance – pin-point and frail – on route to a painless fixed abode – greeted by a powerful shaft of light, with no love lost and plenty of wings unfurled – a feathered embrace – no more longing for the past or what could’ve been, but living a permanent dream-state – all warm and laid bare amongst the sensuous lavender plants…

It’s impossible not to let certain thoughts consume you. I think of how I used to moan daily about the most trivial of things; The dead-end job I was in, having no money and the pretence that filled my hometown. When I hear this and the like I turn all cold inside. It frustrates me because life is precious – a truly wonderful gift but we only get one shot at it and I’d give anything to even just pay my taxes again – something my own ignorance used to harp on about – maybe I was more like them than I realise. Ignorance might be bliss for yourself but I assure you it can have a big impact on other people’s lives – open your mind, not everything is so black and white and don’t be afraid to explore the unknown – your ego shouldn’t define you, don’t let it, it can be dented from time to time, you know…

And as the blood ices up setting perfectly around my bones – crushing them – expanding and not letting up; I think of that final stretch – the long road to freedom and the comfort it brings knowing I have full control over it. Don’t waste the one time you’ll ever set foot on this beautiful ball of gas. Live and breathe every step you take – do something new every day – test yourself and remember materials don’t provide you with love – people do and nature too – lend an ear, give your time and attention with no distractions – travel the world, have a family and fuck until your hearts content… And give give give…

Many thanks for reading – follow me on Twitter @aChronicPainPoW

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False Alarm!!!

It hits like a ton of bricks and everything becomes all blurry again, giving an all too familiar feeling. I was hopeful the nerve block would be the start of something new – the beginning of a building process for a better future, with a body that would eventually listen and understand – but turns out it was there to provide me with more false hope – there to fill me with a clearer vision for a short time only to then blind me for the dark.

My legs are on fire like never before – trying to put more pressure on my operated leg while moving around with my crutches was a bad idea – again! This is crazy, absolute fucking bonkers! Your torturous ways are beginning to get too much and yet again the world stops spinning. I feel like such a fool; telling my family that I thought the procedure helped gave them false hope too. This pain is immeasurable – the life I am leading here is hell on earth and I wish I didn’t care much for it anymore but I do – I want so bad to feel like I’m living again but the reality is, it seems the future is one of an existence filled with both emotional and physical pain I don’t think I have the strength for.

I’m not ashamed to admit it but I must be weak – you would think after all this time I’d have come to terms with my on-going illness, but as the tears blur my vision the reality is different – I’m just as much of a mess now as I was 4 years ago when first diagnosed with CRPS, only back then I had the denial for comfort – it’s only this past year it’s all become very real. 4 years is a long time not to have made any progress with acceptance but it’s hard when the deterioration is so constant and rapid – and to still think of suicide as often as I do makes me wonder what the point of all this suffering is.

So I can safely say the nerve block hasn’t helped – in fact I’m worse than ever – good times!!! 

Thank you for reading,
Follow me on Twitter @aChronicPainPoW

Trying Times…

It’s the pain I’ll leave behind. The image of being all cold and blue, lifeless in your arms – stroking my face with the palm of your hands, untying the noose, head bowed to the ground.

It’s that thought which keeps me here, a human being, your son. But to be freed from pain brings comfort and joy, with a peace that rarely comes by. This burdening sense I just can’t shake off – the guilt of my needs and pain I put you through, it’s torture. If I was to go you no longer need worry, my brother will take care of me where I’d be pain-free, resting quietly, upon your other shoulder. It’s all that is thought of on the darkest days, becoming more and more frequent as time goes by. Selfish I know, but it’s the coward in me. It’s who I am right now and what I’ve become. A fucking cripple with a body broken, fully scorned, let it burn, let it burn!!!

But it’s for you I will try my damnedest not to succumb, for if I put the pain aside, I’m an incredibly lucky guy – for all you’ve done, your love and nurture, a wonderful soul so giving in nature. I never went without, you kept my feet on the ground, you shone a bright light when hard times came round. But is it enough to get me through? That I can’t promise, but one thing for sure is, I’ll certainly try my hardest…

Friends Like These… 

Ive known her since I was 5 and I’d class her more as family than anything else. But, as with many other relationships that have faded over the last few years this one is turning out to be no different – that’s twice we’ve arranged for you to come and visit, and twice I’ve not had so much as a text to let me know what’s going on… I’m beginning to find it easier and easier to cut people out of my life these days – It’s like it’s second nature to me now!!! I’m that absorbed by the pain all the time, I’m caring less and less about anything else and friends like these is one of them… 

A Pledge…

We pledge to be better people… Day after day we’re faced with new challenges – some that don’t take a second thought and others that take great pleasure in trying to destroy who we are… I have no idea how I’m going to get passed the challenges which have led me to this blog – one of constant physical pain, isolation and frustration, but the fact of the matter remains; I either accept the here and now and try to shed some light on what is, or I perish having opted to take 10 steps back after having fought so much to take two forward… My choice…


You see, we live in a world where people love to see you fail, it makes there own self indulging prophecies all the more tolerable and their failure of fulfilment that little bit easier to bear… But we’re given the chance to learn and grow, be true to ourselves and make right all that we’ve fucked up on in our past. We’re given the ability to find our true selves, despite the poison we are faced with in society – from the pathological bigoted liars that rule our lands, to the tarnished bullies who troll through life, shooting people down to make themselves feel better… Their choice… 

We all have choices to make when challenges arise and I pledge to make mine count…