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A Trip to Pain-Management and an Increase in Pain, the Irony!!!

It’s been a few days since pain management and I’m still paying for the short trip up there and everything else that goes with a hospital visit. We were probably waiting for about 45 minutes before we saw someone – standing the whole time was a struggle and the left leg isn’t happy but there was no way I could get down on the chairs. They could probably do with some perching stools for the crippled that can’t bend down. Everything seems to be so low these days. So frustrating!!! Anyway, my lower body, particularly my butt cheeks, are on absolute fire, fire, fire…

They’re sending me to a clinic a couple of hours drive away. They have more experience in dealing with people who suffer with CRPS so hopefully something good will come of it. Can’t help thinking that if my body is feeling this bad after my last appointment, how is it going to take to a much longer journey but, fuck it, we’ll just have to wait and see. The irony though. Of going to pain-management, only to be left with a huge increase in pain for days and days afterwards. But, I’m just grateful the ball is rolling with this new pain-management team and I have something to focus on. I’m curious as to what they will do that others haven’t. I have a little hope…

So this ‘pledge’ I mentioned in a previous post – Its made me more focused for sure but when you’re exhausted from just taking a bath, and your but cheeks are on fire, legs ice cold, morale is really hard to find and the question of, ‘What’s in store for the future?’ starts to creep in, then the anxiety tries to rip you in, your stomach starts to churn and your heart pounds harder. It’s unstoppable when it comes and I’ll never get used to the sinking feeling it gives but I need to keep fighting this… I can’t give up hope!!! I’ve done that before and it’s no good for me or anyone around me…

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Endless Nights…

And on these dark nights, when everything is black and you can’t fall asleep, time literally lasts forever!!!

With little distraction the sleepless nights are the worst part of the day for me – It’s when the thoughts run wild and time doesn’t move, your body is aching for rest but your mind is in the fast lane, while everything is quiet yet loud at the same time!

I hear the odd sound of a car passing by in the distance or the slam of a car door but other than that just silence… Then you’ve got the battle of having all the noise inside your head while you lay there, trying for the life of you to sleep and trying so much to resist as you count sheep or exercise your breath, only succumbing to the thoughts every single time – constantly thinking of this, that and the friggin’ other.

Nearly everything I do is a distraction for me and stops me dealing with my chronic pain. I watch t.v (takes my mind off it) surf the web (do people even say that anymore) play FIFA, read books, make endless amounts of coffee and get lost in a good film. Even with all this distraction the fight against my health is still a massive struggle, so when it’s the middle of the night and all this distraction has gone, and all that’s left are the thoughts mulling round and round in my head, it all becomes very intense and the fear of the unknown increases ten fold. Then I wake up and the anxiety hits straight away turning my stomach. I have to get up…

This journey is crazy and I have more soul-searching to do than I could have ever possibly imagined. But, I’ll get there…

A Pledge…

We pledge to be better people… Day after day we’re faced with new challenges – some that don’t take a second thought and others that take great pleasure in trying to destroy who we are… I have no idea how I’m going to get passed the challenges which have led me to this blog – one of constant physical pain, isolation and frustration, but the fact of the matter remains; I either accept the here and now and try to shed some light on what is, or I perish having opted to take 10 steps back after having fought so much to take two forward… My choice…


You see, we live in a world where people love to see you fail, it makes there own self indulging prophecies all the more tolerable and their failure of fulfilment that little bit easier to bear… But we’re given the chance to learn and grow, be true to ourselves and make right all that we’ve fucked up on in our past. We’re given the ability to find our true selves, despite the poison we are faced with in society – from the pathological bigoted liars that rule our lands, to the tarnished bullies who troll through life, shooting people down to make themselves feel better… Their choice… 

We all have choices to make when challenges arise and I pledge to make mine count…

War Inside My Head…

I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
I’ve got to get away from these eyes built behind enemy lines,
I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
Get away, get away.

Free from the voices going against my instinct,
Free from the voices brought on by pain,
To trust the fight between uncertainty and sincerity,
Abundance I’ll gain.

I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
I’ve got to get away from this mortal coil and the rage,
I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
Get away, get away.

Free from the thoughts that have become habit,
Free from the thoughts that leave me static,
To trust the shimmering light breaking free from my weary mind,
Than valour I’ll find.

It’s a battle I’ll fight all the way,
A battle I’ll fight with all the cells in my body,
All of the atoms, pores, synapses, limbs, veins, thoughts, feelings, pain, humour, will, love and faith.

I’ll dig myself out of the trenches,
I’ll remove all the scars that remain,
I’ll kill, kill, kill all the negativity,
All of the pessimism, hate, anger, jealousy, rage, fear, nerves and bitterness.

I’m going to get away from this war inside my head,
I’m going to get away from the haze that sees no future,
And I’ll relish every fucking second of my being.

Test Tube Potion…

Pain,
The demise of all rational thought
Controlling and powerful
Taking a complete hold.
Emotional
Physical
Both require such strength
Enduring for eternity
That’s how it feels anyway…

It’s winning the battle as I push you away
That’s not my intention
Searching my soul for a reason.
I am just a test tube potion
Conditioned to heal the wounds this way
It’s not right of wrong
Just the unconscious taking over
Nature running its cause
The teachings of the environment…

If there is a higher power
Take the knives away
Let me try to find myself.
I was almost there once
So close
So distant
This destiny is flawed
Anger fuels every thought.
I am just a test tube potion
Burning over the flames
Colliding thoughts
Exploding
No relief
No belief
Just a test tube potion…

Parasite…

Pain

Chronic pain kills… It destroys lives and eats you up inside, like a parasite feeding from your sanity. It never leaves and it doesn’t listen – It has a mind of its own and chooses when to divulge… I struggle to breathe at its reluctance to say goodbye and for the vision that is, my future – one of control and isolation, totally lost yet confined to my own home… I rarely converse, distracted by a pain fog that allows a constant flow of negativity to seep through my veins… Pain, pain, pain, always pain – twentyfour/seven/threesixfive – no relief and a continued lack of belief in what was once described as ‘normal’… I’m tired of lying and of all the failed attempts at healing old wounds; of being a burden and a sorry mess when the light is out of reach. For darkness has become my home and it’s here I can not escape. It’s here I’m forced to only ponder, and fight with toxic demons until eternity ends. It’s here I will rot…

House-bound…

 

 

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In being house-bound there is no joy – only sorrow when looking back at the old distant memories. There’s only so much you can do to suppress the boredom before the thoughts start to play with you… 3 years have gone by and it doesn’t get any easier – in fact quite the contrary; more days wasted, more memories lost and more friends have have disappeared… There’s so much time to dwell when sat amongst the same four stale walls and a box I’d never watch were I to be well… Chronic pain has completely changed the course of my life and struggle has become my middle name… There is a tiny little light far away in the distance but it’s not always there and those days are the worst – when darkness is all you have and you’re unable to free yourself for days and days… And the good days – they are few and far between and are to be cherished… P.s – this picture isn’t mine…