Contradiction of Empathy…

I forget how hard it must be for my closest loved ones to see me in so much pain. I realise I’ve been contradicting myself while craving empathy from others, yet failing to empathise with how hard it must be for them too…

When in constant debilitating pain, it’s hard not to let it consume you – you can forget who you are and notice less of what’s going on in your surroundings. There’s no getting away from it and the amount of energy spent just to get through the day leaves little room for much else. But, we have to change, we have no choice unless we want to perish from the over-powering bitterness and anger that chronic pain sufferers can become so accustomed to…

It’s only recently I’ve started thinking about how hard it must be for my loved ones to see me like this – seeing someone they so dearly love going through so much pain and not being able to do anything about it but comfort them. I’ve been completely blinded by the pain but now I see through it, and empathising with them has opened up my mind and got me seeing all of this from their point of view for the first time in three and a half years…

No words in the world can describe how thankful I am to those who have stuck around and done all they have for me – I am a giver and will never forget what you have done despite how miserable and snappy I have been. You have my empathy…


Endless Nights…

And on these dark nights, when everything is black and you can’t fall asleep, time literally lasts forever!!!

With little distraction the sleepless nights are the worst part of the day for me – It’s when the thoughts run wild and time doesn’t move, your body is aching for rest but your mind is in the fast lane, while everything is quiet yet loud at the same time!

I hear the odd sound of a car passing by in the distance or the slam of a car door but other than that just silence… Then you’ve got the battle of having all the noise inside your head while you lay there, trying for the life of you to sleep and trying so much to resist as you count sheep or exercise your breath, only succumbing to the thoughts every single time – constantly thinking of this, that and the friggin’ other.

Nearly everything I do is a distraction for me and stops me dealing with my chronic pain. I watch t.v (takes my mind off it) surf the web (do people even say that anymore) play FIFA, read books, make endless amounts of coffee and get lost in a good film. Even with all this distraction the fight against my health is still a massive struggle, so when it’s the middle of the night and all this distraction has gone, and all that’s left are the thoughts mulling round and round in my head, it all becomes very intense and the fear of the unknown increases ten fold. Then I wake up and the anxiety hits straight away turning my stomach. I have to get up…

This journey is crazy and I have more soul-searching to do than I could have ever possibly imagined. But, I’ll get there…

A Pledge…

We pledge to be better people… Day after day we’re faced with new challenges – some that don’t take a second thought and others that take great pleasure in trying to destroy who we are… I have no idea how I’m going to get passed the challenges which have led me to this blog – one of constant physical pain, isolation and frustration, but the fact of the matter remains; I either accept the here and now and try to shed some light on what is, or I perish having opted to take 10 steps back after having fought so much to take two forward… My choice…

You see, we live in a world where people love to see you fail, it makes there own self indulging prophecies all the more tolerable and their failure of fulfilment that little bit easier to bear… But we’re given the chance to learn and grow, be true to ourselves and make right all that we’ve fucked up on in our past. We’re given the ability to find our true selves, despite the poison we are faced with in society – from the pathological bigoted liars that rule our lands, to the tarnished bullies who troll through life, shooting people down to make themselves feel better… Their choice… 

We all have choices to make when challenges arise and I pledge to make mine count…

War Inside My Head…

I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
I’ve got to get away from these eyes built behind enemy lines,
I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
Get away, get away.

Free from the voices going against my instinct,
Free from the voices brought on by pain,
To trust the fight between uncertainty and sincerity,
Abundance I’ll gain.

I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
I’ve got to get away from this mortal coil and the rage,
I’ve got to get away from this war inside my head,
Get away, get away.

Free from the thoughts that have become habit,
Free from the thoughts that leave me static,
To trust the shimmering light breaking free from my weary mind,
Than valour I’ll find.

It’s a battle I’ll fight all the way,
A battle I’ll fight with all the cells in my body,
All of the atoms, pores, synapses, limbs, veins, thoughts, feelings, pain, humour, will, love and faith.

I’ll dig myself out of the trenches,
I’ll remove all the scars that remain,
I’ll kill, kill, kill all the negativity,
All of the pessimism, hate, anger, jealousy, rage, fear, nerves and bitterness.

I’m going to get away from this war inside my head,
I’m going to get away from the haze that sees no future,
And I’ll relish every fucking second of my being.

Test Tube Potion…

The demise of all rational thought
Controlling and powerful
Taking a complete hold.
Both require such strength
Enduring for eternity
That’s how it feels anyway…

It’s winning the battle as I push you away
That’s not my intention
Searching my soul for a reason.
I am just a test tube potion
Conditioned to heal the wounds this way
It’s not right of wrong
Just the unconscious taking over
Nature running its cause
The teachings of the environment…

If there is a higher power
Take the knives away
Let me try to find myself.
I was almost there once
So close
So distant
This destiny is flawed
Anger fuels every thought.
I am just a test tube potion
Burning over the flames
Colliding thoughts
No relief
No belief
Just a test tube potion…



Chronic pain kills… It destroys lives and eats you up inside, like a parasite feeding from your sanity. It never leaves and it doesn’t listen – It has a mind of its own and chooses when to divulge… I struggle to breathe at its reluctance to say goodbye and for the vision that is, my future – one of control and isolation, totally lost yet confined to my own home… I rarely converse, distracted by a pain fog that allows a constant flow of negativity to seep through my veins… Pain, pain, pain, always pain – twentyfour/seven/threesixfive – no relief and a continued lack of belief in what was once described as ‘normal’… I’m tired of lying and of all the failed attempts at healing old wounds; of being a burden and a sorry mess when the light is out of reach. For darkness has become my home and it’s here I can not escape. It’s here I’m forced to only ponder, and fight with toxic demons until eternity ends. It’s here I will rot…

Jeff’s Prophecy…

This is my silhouette drawing of the late Jeff Buckley and a poem to go with it. There’s something eerily haunting about his music – it’s absolutely stunning. One of the best musicians to have ever graced our planet…

Jeff Buckley drawing


Downstream lay the soul of the vocal one,
A mere 30 years and then you were gone.
You drowned then were found, no longer the physical prophet,
Forever present and pure with each and every sonnet.

A simple message to all to live life and be yourself,
No need to worry about time, image or wealth.
For money doesn’t buy the gracious words that leave your breath,
To wash away the prejudice releasing corporate stress.

You waited in the fire you burned,
I’m still waiting for your sweet return.

Your ‘Last Goodbye’ fell completely short,
Still we have your songs to sing, play and distort.
Another pluck, another strum,
A whole lot of work for my wrist, fingers and thumb.

I had to write these words, just so you could see,
Exactly what your music does for me.
So ‘Hallelujah’ for Tim’s betrayal,
A book full of songs from the hammer and nail.

And ‘Hallelujah’ for the love,
Keep on with your prophecy from the clouds above.