I used to love the feeling you get when waking up from your worst nightmare – that moment when you realise you’ve left the extreem anxiety and hopelessness behind and your eyes have come to a halt – when you can curl up all snug amongst the quilts and go back to sleep, knowing that when you wake everything will be okay.
Well, I’ve resounded myself to the fact this is a feeling I will never have again! The reality I’m in has become worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had and all hope is gone for making a recovery. I’m tired of of it all. Each day is becoming more and more of a struggle and I’m not sure I have the strength to live a full life like this – one where darkness is my home and the view from the other side gets more appealing by the day. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live with this pain either – if someone was to offer me a shot of that heavenly potion they use at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland I’d take it in a heartbeat (Excuse the pun) I really would.
For what is life without hope. When recurring thoughts of a knife in the jugular or a perfectly woven noose become more frequent, and deep depression sets up home inside of you, it becomes a monotonous spiel of black. Well i’m tired of being in the dark – I’m getting more and more crippled by the day here and I don’t know how to cope. Some days I think i’m doing okay but then the grey matter arrives and it just gets blacker and blacker and blacker. CRPS is evil, it has this bitter hatred for its host and will do all it can to eat it alive. It’s doing pretty well feeding off me both physically and mentally. I’m slowly dying and I’d appreciate it if it could shift up a gear or two. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. Nothing! And the only light in this tunnel is the train coming straight for me!!!