Art

Nothing but the Dark…

I used to love the feeling you get when waking up from your worst nightmare – that moment  when you realise you’ve left the extreem anxiety and hopelessness behind and your eyes have come to a halt – when you can curl up all snug amongst the quilts and go back to sleep, knowing that when you wake everything will be okay.

Well, I’ve resounded myself to the fact this is a feeling I will never have again! The reality I’m in has become worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had and all hope is gone for making a recovery.  I’m tired of of it all. Each day is becoming more and more of a struggle and I’m not sure I have the strength to live a full life like this – one where darkness is my home and the view from the other side gets more appealing by the day. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live with this pain either – if someone was to offer me a shot of that heavenly potion they use at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland I’d take it in a heartbeat (Excuse the pun) I really would.

For what is life without hope. When recurring thoughts of a knife in the jugular or a perfectly woven noose become more frequent, and deep depression sets up home inside of you, it becomes a monotonous spiel of black. Well i’m tired of being in the dark – I’m getting more and more crippled by the day here and I don’t know how to cope. Some days I think i’m doing okay but then the grey matter arrives and it just gets blacker and blacker and blacker. CRPS is evil, it has this bitter hatred for its host and will do all it can to eat it alive. It’s doing pretty well feeding off me both physically and mentally. I’m slowly dying and I’d appreciate it if it could shift up a gear or two. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. Nothing! And the only light in this tunnel is the train coming straight for me!!!

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WE GO ON & WE GO AGAIN…

My existence seems futile and it’s a long, arduous task just to get through each day – but we go on and we go again…

There’s not a day goes by where I don’t think about the past and how it was, or the future and how it should be – I torture myself over and over again by trying to see beyond my life as it is. I allow my thoughts to escape the safety net of my reality time and time again, when really I should be focusing on the fact there isn’t much of a future for me at all if my health carries on the way it is doing…

It’s getting to the stage now where I’m going to need to use a wheelchair to get about my own home. My appointment with the wheelchair services on the 2nd of July can’t come soon enough – the extremities of my condition appear to be progressing rapidly giving me no time to adapt. I’m blessed as fuck for the people who have been a rock for me, stood by me through thick and thin and lingered in the darkness with me ready to lend their shoulder, because without them, I know for sure that noose would have been far too enticing for me to resist.

Pain has taken so much from me but the biggest loss of all is my soul – sadness and its stubbornness fully beckoned three and a half years ago and it’s been with me ever since – it’s ripped it up into a million little pieces all the while stamping all over it in the process. I may be able to hear the beautiful sound of an acoustic guitar, smell the scent of fresh red roses at the peak of their bloom, breathe in the clouds of smoke that fill my lounge and see that unique glint in your eyes, but I don’t feel alive – this is merely an existence of which I can’t seem to come to terms with – my body hates me and it’s doing all it can to fuck me up more than it already has…

Contradiction of Empathy…

I forget how hard it must be for my closest loved ones to see me in so much pain. I realise I’ve been contradicting myself while craving empathy from others, yet failing to empathise with how hard it must be for them too…

When in constant debilitating pain, it’s hard not to let it consume you – you can forget who you are and notice less of what’s going on in your surroundings. There’s no getting away from it and the amount of energy spent just to get through the day leaves little room for much else. But, we have to change, we have no choice unless we want to perish from the over-powering bitterness and anger that chronic pain sufferers can become so accustomed to…

It’s only recently I’ve started thinking about how hard it must be for my loved ones to see me like this – seeing someone they so dearly love going through so much pain and not being able to do anything about it but comfort them. I’ve been completely blinded by the pain but now I see through it, and empathising with them has opened up my mind and got me seeing all of this from their point of view for the first time in three and a half years…

No words in the world can describe how thankful I am to those who have stuck around and done all they have for me – I am a giver and will never forget what you have done despite how miserable and snappy I have been. You have my empathy…

Wit’s End…

Well it’s been a tough few days… I keep trying to do something positive out of this situation but the pain always has a habit of sinking me further – I have no idea what is going on inside my body as it deteriorates and I can’t help but look forward to a bleak future… I nearly came close to deleting this blog through fear of droning on but the fact is it’s an honest account of me and my struggles with crippling pain, so if I come across as a moaning hypochondriac who should be dealing with this in a better way then so be it and jog on – I care not of your judgements anymore…

I’m bitter – I resent the fact this could have all been avoided – had I got the right physiotherapy after my initial operation I firmly believe I would not be in this position. But, the fact of the matter is, there is nothing I can do about that because all physiotherapists have their own way of treating people and his ego would have him believe otherwise… I’m frustrated because I have no control of my body – the smallest of exercises causes my body to fucking erupt and burn the living day lights out of me – this is hell on fucking earth and I’m not sure I can take it getting much worse… And… I’m angry… I’m angry because I have so much to give yet find myself here battling with the pain every second, of every minute of every fucking day – I am totally consumed by pain I have no fucking idea who I am anymore… I’m well and truly lost…

It’s getting to the stage where I’m needing a full time carer… I feel like I’m in a permanent nightmare – I remember when I was a little kid and I used to wake up from having a bad dream and that feeling of relief when realising it was just that, was amazing – and to be able to just go back to sleep and wake up all normal… Sigh… But this is very real – it’s getting progressively worse and the nightmare carries on and won’t end until I know 100% what is going on inside me – I can’t accept the CRPS diagnosis alone – my muscles are deteriorating rapidly and I need some one to see what I see and come up with an explanation that fits – without that I can’t see how I can move forward – what the fuck do I say to people – ‘hey, I’m a cripple but I don’t know why, I just am.’ This is the 21st fucking century for gods sake…

And please, I am not writing this for pity, the last thing I want is for people to tell me how sorry they are I just needed to get it out there into the universe and apologies for all the swearing…

Endless Nights…

And on these dark nights, when everything is black and you can’t fall asleep, time literally lasts forever!!!

With little distraction the sleepless nights are the worst part of the day for me – It’s when the thoughts run wild and time doesn’t move, your body is aching for rest but your mind is in the fast lane, while everything is quiet yet loud at the same time!

I hear the odd sound of a car passing by in the distance or the slam of a car door but other than that just silence… Then you’ve got the battle of having all the noise inside your head while you lay there, trying for the life of you to sleep and trying so much to resist as you count sheep or exercise your breath, only succumbing to the thoughts every single time – constantly thinking of this, that and the friggin’ other.

Nearly everything I do is a distraction for me and stops me dealing with my chronic pain. I watch t.v (takes my mind off it) surf the web (do people even say that anymore) play FIFA, read books, make endless amounts of coffee and get lost in a good film. Even with all this distraction the fight against my health is still a massive struggle, so when it’s the middle of the night and all this distraction has gone, and all that’s left are the thoughts mulling round and round in my head, it all becomes very intense and the fear of the unknown increases ten fold. Then I wake up and the anxiety hits straight away turning my stomach. I have to get up…

This journey is crazy and I have more soul-searching to do than I could have ever possibly imagined. But, I’ll get there…

A Pledge…

We pledge to be better people… Day after day we’re faced with new challenges – some that don’t take a second thought and others that take great pleasure in trying to destroy who we are… I have no idea how I’m going to get passed the challenges which have led me to this blog – one of constant physical pain, isolation and frustration, but the fact of the matter remains; I either accept the here and now and try to shed some light on what is, or I perish having opted to take 10 steps back after having fought so much to take two forward… My choice…


You see, we live in a world where people love to see you fail, it makes there own self indulging prophecies all the more tolerable and their failure of fulfilment that little bit easier to bear… But we’re given the chance to learn and grow, be true to ourselves and make right all that we’ve fucked up on in our past. We’re given the ability to find our true selves, despite the poison we are faced with in society – from the pathological bigoted liars that rule our lands, to the tarnished bullies who troll through life, shooting people down to make themselves feel better… Their choice… 

We all have choices to make when challenges arise and I pledge to make mine count…