I always try to step outside myself to try and see what they see but the outcome is always the same – I get lost in a meddle of thoughts that can range from their compassion and understanding to doubt, pity and sheer disbelief that what I’m feeling is real and that it’s all down to a negative attitude.
I have absolutely no way of knowing how the next few years are going to pan out but I have an idea – and judging by how much I’ve deteriorated over the last year alone, that thought doesn’t even bear thinking about. But I have this great pride thing going on which I need to overcome – I’ve pretty much stopped all but my immediate family from visiting – I hate for people, even those I know that care, to see me like this and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.
I know there’s a transition period when you lose the use of your body like it was before and wind up crippled like me – and I say it all the time but the constant deterioration is proving to be a fucking nuisance here and it is slowly killing me. When people get old their body suffers more with the cold – their flow of blood slows down and their skin is cold to touch – when my pain is at the very top end of the pain scale, which is about 80% of the time, my legs are like ice for the poor circulation going on inside my body, and, like theirs, due to having less muscle tissue, my metabolism is slowing down – I’m a 31 year old, OLD man!
So for someone who used to be so carefree of the judgements in society about the way I look, it’s all changed now. I sit having full blown conversations between myself and their mind – or what I think is on their mind and it can get pretty draining. It’s just easier to push people away, rather than they see you so broken – I’m not the same person anymore so it’s like they would be in the company of a stranger and a truly miserable one at that anyway…