I’m a 31 year old, old man!!!

I always try to step outside myself to try and see what they see but the outcome is always the same – I get lost in a meddle of thoughts that can range from their compassion and understanding to doubt, pity and sheer disbelief that what I’m feeling is real and that it’s all down to a negative attitude.

I have absolutely no way of knowing how the next few years are going to pan out but I have an idea – and judging by how much I’ve deteriorated over the last year alone, that thought doesn’t even bear thinking about. But I have this great pride thing going on which I need to overcome – I’ve pretty much stopped all but my immediate family from visiting – I hate for people, even those I know that care, to see me like this and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

I know there’s a transition period when you lose the use of your body like it was before and wind up crippled like me – and I say it all the time but the constant deterioration is proving to be a fucking nuisance here and it is slowly killing me. When people get old their body suffers more with the cold – their flow of blood slows down and their skin is cold to touch – when my pain is at the very top end of the pain scale, which is about 80% of the time, my legs are like ice for the poor circulation going on inside my body, and, like theirs, due to having less muscle tissue, my metabolism is slowing down – I’m a 31 year old, OLD man!

So for someone who used to be so carefree of the judgements in society about the way I look, it’s all changed now. I sit having full blown conversations between myself and their mind – or what I think is on their mind and it can get pretty draining. It’s just easier to push people away, rather than they see you so broken – I’m not the same person anymore so it’s like they would be in the company of a stranger and a truly miserable one at that anyway…

13 comments

  1. I couldn’t click the “like” button.Please,do not try to push people away.I know giving advice is easy,I did it too,I pushed many of my friends away when I was feeling bad,sometimes I still do.I still want to hide somewhere where nobody can find me…it’s all because of deppression,and unfortunately when it comes with the pain you have to endure,I cannot even imagine how hard it is.But there is one thing,there are persons who really care for you and maybe only one thing they will tell you or do which comes from the heart can really change lots of thing.One different angle of point may be helpful too.Depression hinders everything related to life.You (I mean me too)begin to thing:Life is this,restricted to this what I’m living through.This feeling becomes ingrained in your mind day by day and turns into an act of congress or sth like that.And that horrible feeling is a big LIE.It is not true.Life is much much more.So please let them speak with you.I’m hoping for a cure that will take all the pain away which will never come back.Hoping all the best for you Chris,you are very strong person.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for that – it definitely becomes ingrained in you, I’m hoping the Lyrica are partly responsible for me feeling so low all the time – I’m in the process of tapering off from them which will take a couple months… your continues support is very much appreciated, thank you, it means a lot…x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry you are suffering so. I do not understand why this burden has fallen on you to force you to carry it.
    You can always email me if you need to talk. If you misplaced it just ask.
    I feel so bad that you are so young and have no quality of life.

    I took care of someone in the nursing home I used to work in that was too young to have to be there. I remember the anger and hopelessness he suffered. Many people working there did not see the difference between someone young ending up old too soon and someone who is old and has lived a full life.

    It is horribly unfair and I wish I could make you better and sit with you somewhere normal like a restaurant. You should be allowed to do normal things and I know you suffer heaving to miss all of it.

    Your constant pain is something I wish that the doctors could fix. No one should have to live in pain. So sorry.

    Sending love and compassion,
    Annie💕🌷

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I woke up this morning with you on my mind. You are a stranger to me, so I get the opportunity to get to know you as you are, not who you were. I understand both sides of the coin. I knew who my son was before his pain and mental state changed so much that he forgot who I was, and my love for him. I struggled so deeply with this new man in front of me. He was a stranger to me, just as you described. He knew when I looked at him I wanted my vibrant son back so he pushed me away.

    I spent hours on my knees asking God for my son back, but slowly God changed my prayers. He asked, “Can you love him as he is, for however long he is with you?” That simple question changed everything. The last month Jonathan was on this earth I began to get to know him and I would not trade the precious time with him for anything!

    I know it is hard, but I ask you as a mother. Give your family and friends the chance to know you as you are. Maybe the problem is that in our pain we become strangers to ourselves. I look forward to getting to know you better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yes maybe I should just let go and accept this is how I am for the time being and just hope that it’s only temporary, There really isn’t much else I can do at the moment… I’m so sorry you’re going through the loss of a child – no parent should ever have to go through that, it just isn’t fair. You keep up with great blog and ill luck forward to getting to know you better too and seeing your future posts… x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For the record, I have thought you are pretty strong to share your journey with us here. We will strengthen and encourage each other. Blessings upon you Chris.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I understand your feeling, though not anywhere near as serious. my dad came from out of town for thanksgiving. it was the first time he’s seen me when i was having trouble walking. it so hard to see the sorrow, not pity (thank goodness) in his eyes.

    try not to push away everyone. you need a support system. you have us! you never know, the people you push away might be miss you and wonder why.

    I’m so sorry you feel so low. you can always talk to me. love you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is tough seeing the pain in there eyes. My family have been a great support system and of course the great community online – think I would actually go mad if it wasn’t for the Internet. Thank you and much love to you…x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t have much family but the ones who I love are amazing. oh, me too! if not for the web, I wouln’t have any friends at all! the people online help so much. when I get online in the morning, I always feel better, if I didn’t i would be was sitting here not talking to anyone

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Meags here the chronic pain blogger I relate to all you have written I’m 37 and coming up to my 14 th year living with chronic pain. But been plagued by illness since was 2. I was in that whole that deep dark hole u wrote about don’t even like to think of that time. Think don’t tend to realize we grieve our lives and what was every aspiration and dream a place that was on the bucket list but the reality usage body is not able. Until I learned how very powerful our minds are I stagnated in a pissed off state. Meditation has helped me tremendously all though it can take a while to master it one of the best tools I have, gotta go so very tied speak to you soon Meags

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Meags. I’ve a lot of learning to do as far as realising how powerful our minds are – I’ve tried meditating in the past but I know I didn’t give it enough a chance and my mind wanders in seconds – but that’s where the practice comes in I guess. Thank you for messaging and stopping by – take care and see you around.

      Liked by 1 person

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