“I’m okay,” is a Lie I tell every day…

The deterioration is there for all to see and my abilities are so limited now – it’s beyond belief how it’s come to this from an Hip Arthroscopy – the reality now is pretty much a life spent in bed…! I mean, come on – is it even possible to get any fulfilment from living that life? I have to remind myself that this path was paved for a good reason and it won’t always be this hard – that something massive will come of it and I’ll look back in a few years time thankful for getting though all that’s come my way and making something of myself anyway – and when they come by those times are good – when you’re all warm and content because CRPS is cold and shallow and takes so much away from you…

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You have to be okay in your own company when living a life in constant pain – and if not you have some re-programming to do or else you’re fucked – because in the same four walls, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 365 days a year you have some serious time to fill and a lot of soul-searching. But it soon becomes the ‘norm’ and you get accustomed to a solitary life behind closed doors – completely forgetting the way of our culture. But that’s what crippling pain does to you – it turns you into a loner – someone who’d much rather be on their own than have to face the realms of society, riddled with pain, with a good chance of it increasing to unbearable levels; But things out there are much the same day by day anyway – people come and go to work – stay at home watching the same shit on TV and go on the same god damn holiday once a year. I never wanted that and it seems my wishes have come to be, although in ways I’d never have expected and worse than my worst nightmare.

And still, there are times when it doesn’t seem real – and others when I can’t but help to wonder how it’s all come to this – but there is no point in questioning how it’s all come to be because it is what it is and it doesn’t change anything. Not much goes on in my world anymore and I don’t have much excitement around me but there is a purpose – that’s what I have to believe and while I’m yet to find it I’m almost certain it’s in my writing – so while there isn’t much to shout home about at least I’ve something to keep the trains headlights In tact.

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And there the depression shows – it becomes ingrained in you and at times so nauseating – it sets up home inside a mind that wants to do so much, but it’s locked inside a body that can do so little. There’s this constant fear of the world and everything inside it – you wake up with this stomach churning anxiety for fear of what the future holds – all the while holding an intense sadness that you made no one proud of your able–bodied past, and will never get a chance to – you can’t but help to mourn. Every now and then you’ll have this glimmer of hope that some good will come and everything will be okay  – it’s short lived but they’re the moments of which are essential for survival – they need to be cherished and tucked away somewhere in the corner of your mind, because believe me, those files need to he opened from time to time…

So with Christmas looming I’ll put my face on and smile, because that’s what we do, we lie and we deceive – it seems looking at it that way I’m everything I hate in a person – but in order to save piling our misery onto everyone around us all the time we have to sin and say, “I’m okay,” when really that couldn’t be further from the truth…

Okay many thanks for reading – follow me on Twitter @aChronicPainPoW

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12 comments

  1. Your mind is your biggest most valuable tool, to use as you see fit. You are able to express yourself in a captivating way when you write. You can choose which direction your life will take with that mind. We are all rooting for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. WHAT A BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN POST.YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION. YOU ARE A POET AND WRITER.WRITE SOMETHING EVERYDAY. DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU WRITE, JUST DON’T STOP. YOU HAVE TALENT. ARTIST;SUFFERS FOR THEIR CRAFT. YOU ARE STILL ASPIRING TO BE A WRITER; AND THAT IS SOMETHING NOBODY CAN TAKE AWAY.YOU’RE ALREADY ON THE RIGHT PATH. YOU WRITE ON YOUR BLOG EVERYDAY. YOU WRITE BEAUTIFUL POEMS. QUESTION: WHAT THE FU$K, DOES” O.K” STAND FOR ANYWAY?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know we both experience chronic pain, though in different ways. I may have asked this before (and you have probably tried everything at this point) but are you able to get to the water? Perhaps not as a cure, but as a break. I go to our local pool to do therapy on my own, but just being in the water is a relief for me. Apologies if this is redundant.
    Good luck with the holidays. I usually just want to ignore them. Mostly emotional crap. But as you say, we put on a face and smile. In doing so, I hope you don’t neglect yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unfortunately I’m that crippled these days, contending with changing and unchanging and all that goes with is too much for me now – who knows maybe in the future or when i get rich and get my own heated pool (we still have to dream) Thank you for messaging and I hope you have nice x-mas – take care of yourself…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Every word is true, you are writing my life down here as well… Yes,,we do live only for hope now, it feels at times, day to day shoving that fear into a corner and averting our eyes. I still have hope, and knowing you a little now I don’t feel so alone with these thoughts, because you have them too 🙂 You’re right, it becomes easier to be alone than to be so starkly different to more normal folk…
    I’ve got my Festive Face on every day now with my daughter off school, I’m quite a good liar now… Fine. Yes I am absolutely fine. How are you? That’s my defence.
    Family are great. Friends (the few left) are lovely, but it’s others who understand that actually make the difference and help you on. Great blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s painful isn’t it but what have we really got without Hope? Nothing! Weeks go by where I have none whatsoever but a spell will come by where I’m actually bearing up okay in myself and they’re the times I’m forever clinging on to – this life sure is draining. I’m so glad you’ve got your festive face on – especially for your daughter – I really hope you have as nice time as possible with as little pain as poss although I know that’s unlikely but, hey, I can hope for you too…

      Take care and thank you for your kind words…

      Like

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