It hits like a ton of bricks and everything becomes all blurry again, giving an all too familiar feeling. I was hopeful the nerve block would be the start of something new – the beginning of a building process for a better future, with a body that would eventually listen and understand – but turns out it was there to provide me with more false hope – there to fill me with a clearer vision for a short time only to then blind me for the dark.
My legs are on fire like never before – trying to put more pressure on my operated leg while moving around with my crutches was a bad idea – again! This is crazy, absolute fucking bonkers! Your torturous ways are beginning to get too much and yet again the world stops spinning. I feel like such a fool; telling my family that I thought the procedure helped gave them false hope too. This pain is immeasurable – the life I am leading here is hell on earth and I wish I didn’t care much for it anymore but I do – I want so bad to feel like I’m living again but the reality is, it seems the future is one of an existence filled with both emotional and physical pain I don’t think I have the strength for.
I’m not ashamed to admit it but I must be weak – you would think after all this time I’d have come to terms with my on-going illness, but as the tears blur my vision the reality is different – I’m just as much of a mess now as I was 4 years ago when first diagnosed with CRPS, only back then I had the denial for comfort – it’s only this past year it’s all become very real. 4 years is a long time not to have made any progress with acceptance but it’s hard when the deterioration is so constant and rapid – and to still think of suicide as often as I do makes me wonder what the point of all this suffering is.
So I can safely say the nerve block hasn’t helped – in fact I’m worse than ever – good times!!!
Thank you for reading,
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