False Alarm!!!

It hits like a ton of bricks and everything becomes all blurry again, giving an all too familiar feeling. I was hopeful the nerve block would be the start of something new – the beginning of a building process for a better future, with a body that would eventually listen and understand – but turns out it was there to provide me with more false hope – there to fill me with a clearer vision for a short time only to then blind me for the dark.

My legs are on fire like never before – trying to put more pressure on my operated leg while moving around with my crutches was a bad idea – again! This is crazy, absolute fucking bonkers! Your torturous ways are beginning to get too much and yet again the world stops spinning. I feel like such a fool; telling my family that I thought the procedure helped gave them false hope too. This pain is immeasurable – the life I am leading here is hell on earth and I wish I didn’t care much for it anymore but I do – I want so bad to feel like I’m living again but the reality is, it seems the future is one of an existence filled with both emotional and physical pain I don’t think I have the strength for.

I’m not ashamed to admit it but I must be weak – you would think after all this time I’d have come to terms with my on-going illness, but as the tears blur my vision the reality is different – I’m just as much of a mess now as I was 4 years ago when first diagnosed with CRPS, only back then I had the denial for comfort – it’s only this past year it’s all become very real. 4 years is a long time not to have made any progress with acceptance but it’s hard when the deterioration is so constant and rapid – and to still think of suicide as often as I do makes me wonder what the point of all this suffering is.

So I can safely say the nerve block hasn’t helped – in fact I’m worse than ever – good times!!! 

Thank you for reading,
Follow me on Twitter @aChronicPainPoW

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14 comments

  1. Every am, the pain is the first thing that wakes me up. I lay in bed contemplating how hard I have to work and pace myself, the anti inflammatory raw foods diet, the trips out to the pharmacy that will actually fill my prescriptions and how at the pain care doctor’s office, the girls have turned mean. I hate to ask for the apt for the back brace if I’m too pushy they will fire me. And then I don’t know how long I’d be for this world.

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    1. Fire you for what and why? I think I need to take a leaf out of your book and look at my diet – I can go for days without consuming much apart from countless cups of coffee. Don’t let the girls who have turned mean get to you and give back what you get so they’re less likely to continue. Thank you for your message…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I shared that glimmer of hope that you proffered after the nerve block treatment. Without a glimmer of hope ones natural recourse is towards despair. Life really can seem hopeless at times and we begin to feel that acceptance of the condition is some sort of weakness. Without acceptance of the painfully crap given situation we also inadvertently close down the prospect of Hope. Where there is life there is hope; I know that sounds pretty glib but sometimes that’s all that keeps one going.

    Tears are fine and letting them flow is strength. a crying out against ones present tortuous experience, showing two fingers to those who talk of bravery without ever having experienced real physical and/or emotional pain.

    I hope and pray yhat your painfully potent descriptions of your dis-ease will open the eyes and minds of those people in the medical and scientific community to the necessity of finding ways to alleviate the intense suffering and holding back the muscle wasting process.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you for sharing the glimmer of hope with me, I really appreciate that. I really try to accept what’s going on but struggle due to the nature in which I’m deteriorating, and lack of knowing why my body is in such a bad way. But, I guess you’re right, ‘Where there’s life there is hope’ and that’s what I’m going to take with me today – i’ll keep affirming it so it manifests – my thought process needs changing big time. Thank you for taking the time out to message…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. You most certainly are not weak. Chronic pain can seem impossible to come to terms with, and the fact that you are struggling with that indicates that your body and mind are linked; nothing more. Constant, unrelenting pain is enough to drive anyone crazy. Please, please be kind to yourself and don’t kick yourself for the fact that it’s getting you down.

    I know this will sound trite, but medicine is advancing so rapidly all the time; we never know when or where our deliverance will come from. I say this because I have “uncurable” chronic pain too, and on the days when the pain is enough to make me lose my mind and my will to go on, this is one thing I cling on to. That, and how wonderful it is to love and be loved, to offer help and support to other precious humans who are struggling in ways similar to us.

    Sending love, prayers and extra spoons for you. Deliverance will come, hang on in there. And in the meantime: well done for being so very strong, to keep going with this difficult life. You are more of a warrior than many people ever have to be – even when you’re thinking you can’t go on. Just please, keep going on. The entire chronic pain community is with you and willing you on. You are worth every good thing you hope for, and good things are on their way.

    Much love,

    Rose x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi Rose.
      You don’t sound trite – you’re right, medicine is advancing rapidly which is something I forget – I just can’t help thinking how little funding goes into CRPS research – and that if they haven’t found a cure for cancer where Billions of pounds/$/€ has gone into research and there’s still no cure then there’s no chance of finding a cure for this. I should really forget about a cure though and just hope I manage to find a way of living a life that’s reasonably bearable with some quality in it. Sorry to hear you suffer so much too – I have to say your outlook on it all is infectious and somewhat admirable. Thank you so much for all you say and I hope your day is as pain free as possible…

      Liked by 2 people

  4. FIRST, LET ME SAY I’M SORRY.I WAS WHERE YOU ARE NOW.I WANTED TO TELL YOU SO MANY TIMES,(HOPED THAT I WAS WRONG); THAT THE NERVE BLOCKIS USELESS IF YOUR PAIN IS REAL.THERE ARE MANY STEPS TO GO; SO PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP. OXYCODONE IS NOT YOUR ANSWER EITHER. DOCTORS WILL GIVE UP ON YOU , IF YOU ASK FOR IT.ASK FOR A PATCH. OR ASK FOR NUCYNTA(EXPENSIVE).I HAVE BEEN ON EVERY DRUG AND I’M NOT DANCING,BUT I HAVE RELIEF FOR SHORT PERIODS. OXYCODONE ALMOST KILLED ME. IT STARTS OUT GREAT, BUT ENDS UP CAUSING TEN TIMES MORE PAIN. YOU ARE JUST STARTING A DIFFICULT JOURNEY.YOU ARE A POET AND A WRITER.YOU ARE ALSO YOUNG. DON’T GIVE UP, WRITE DOWN EVERY UGLY THOUGHT YOU HAVE AND THEN READ IT IN A MONTH. YOU HAVE A LOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO STILL.ME AND ALL THE OTHERS THAT READ OUR WORDS ARE ROOTING FOR YOU. YOU CAN DO IT.I’M DOING IT AND MY PROGNOSIS IS……..SAD

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    1. I’m not sure I do have anything to look forward to anymore – the thought of this being my life and it only getting worse isn’t me – the last couple of days have been torture – I’m not made of the stuff that’s needed to accept it I don’t think – everyone moving on with their lives and I’m here on my phone or tablet with the tv on – I can’t even fucking get my underwear on without the need for help. You’re stronger than me because I see nothing but death, my death – that is all I see, always… Still I don’t know anything about you, you don’t write on your blog?

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      1. YOU HAVE THE “STUFF”.RIGHT NOW YOU ARE IN A STATE OF DEPRESSION. I STILL GET ANGRY, SAD,CLINICAL DEPRESSION, IS ALWAYS JUST WAITING TO COME OUT. SURVIVAL IS HUMAN NATURE. I CAN’T EVEN WEAR A BRA,BECAUSE I CAN’T GET IT ON; MOST IMPORTANT; A BRA HURTS LIKE HELL. I DON’T LIKE TO TELL ANYONE HOW BAD MY LIFE IS, WHICH IS WHY I RARELY WRITE ABOUT MYSELF. ONE TIME I OPENED UP AND WAS TOLD TO STOP COMPLAINING AND GET ON WITH IT.PEOPLE ARE NOT NICE WHEN YOU LET THEM KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS’S. NO MATTER HOW SCREWED UP YOUR LIFE IS NOW; THERE WILL BE A LIGHT, JUST BE PATIENT AND HOLD ON. SENDING SOME HOPE FROM ONTARIO, CANADA. I UNDERSTAND.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. You shouldn’t let the narrow mindedness of others stop you from writing – I’d love to see some of what you’ve written – do it in private from your blog or send me an email. What a pair we are – you can’t get a bra on and I can’t get my underwear on… We can live in hope I suppose I just can’t seem to find any…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I DON’T HAVE A BLOG, MOSTLY BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE DISCIPLINE TO WRITE EVERY DAY. ALSO, THERE ARE MANY MEAN PEOPLE, WHO LIKE TO KICK ME WHEN I’M DOWN. ALL OF US, WHO ARE CHRONICALLY ILL, NEED A POSITIVE OUTLOOK AND SOME A-HOLES TAKE THAT FROM US TOO. ONE MORE THING; MY DAUGHTER IS STARTING CHEMOTHERAPY NEXT WEEK AND I’M SCARED FOR HER.LIKE YOU SHE IS YOUNG AND DESERVES A CHANCE TO EXPERIENCE LIFE. DO YOU LIVE IN CANADA?

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  5. Not liking the pain, dislike urban myth button is needed. Thanks for sharing though it helps fellow chronic pain sufferer’s know me are not alone in our struggles

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You absolutely are not weak. This kind of pain is reserved for terminal illness. It sets people up to prepare for death. So feeling just that way is not incorrect- but chronic pain is a lier. It tells us life is better not loved if it must be in so much pain. CRPS lies and makes us hopeless, makes us forget ourselves because that hurts even more.
    If you were weak you wouldn’t have gotten the block. That takes courage.
    But when we take a risk and end up feeling worse whatever strength and hope we had drains out of us. It’s like a punishment for even trying. But you can’t stop trying. I know you won’t because like you said, your life the way it was means too much to you. But the failed block is such a disappointment. I’m so sorry. They never worked for me either- any kind of spinal or injection has only made me worse. But I always get my hopes up for every new med and treatment and I’ll never stop because even hope dashed is better than never believing that my future might be better than today. And it has to.

    If you aren’t already part of one, the group http://www.facebook.com/living.with.RSD is a good group of people. It helps to have a place with others who get what no one else does.
    This time of yr is particularly bad. Just wanted to pop over and check in.
    Mary @ abodyofhope

    Liked by 2 people

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