Trying Times…

It’s the pain I’ll leave behind. The image of being all cold and blue, lifeless in your arms – stroking my face with the palm of your hands, untying the noose, head bowed to the ground.

It’s that thought which keeps me here, a human being, your son. But to be freed from pain brings comfort and joy, with a peace that rarely comes by. This burdening sense I just can’t shake off – the guilt of my needs and pain I put you through, it’s torture. If I was to go you no longer need worry, my brother will take care of me where I’d be pain-free, resting quietly, upon your other shoulder. It’s all that is thought of on the darkest days, becoming more and more frequent as time goes by. Selfish I know, but it’s the coward in me. It’s who I am right now and what I’ve become. A fucking cripple with a body broken, fully scorned, let it burn, let it burn!!!

But it’s for you I will try my damnedest not to succumb, for if I put the pain aside, I’m an incredibly lucky guy – for all you’ve done, your love and nurture, a wonderful soul so giving in nature. I never went without, you kept my feet on the ground, you shone a bright light when hard times came round. But is it enough to get me through? That I can’t promise, but one thing for sure is, I’ll certainly try my hardest…

4 comments

  1. It’s a wonderful statement you have made! And it kills me that you are hurting so bad emotionally, physically, and mentally. I feel like that too. And I know exactly who you are talking about-your brother, and what you are talking about. Your mother is a wonderful lady. Keep on trying your best, because that’s all you can do and all I expect you to do. That’s also a wonderful memoir. My thoughts are with you! I hope you have a better day.

    Tracey

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love and hugs you, my friend. Your mother is doing what mothers do. It’s a gift to you, child. Accept it, because her heart would break were she deprived of giving it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have lived there on one hand for too many years, On the other I have my eyes fixed on a future that I have a need to live and bring others with me. Like you I know my end, I don’t hide from it or even fear it, at times I long for it, but that never stops me from living. I intend to live every second I have between then and now.

    Love has a power to over come and if one person loves us, we still have life through them and their strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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