Nothing but the Dark…

I used to love the feeling you get when waking up from your worst nightmare – that moment  when you realise you’ve left the extreem anxiety and hopelessness behind and your eyes have come to a halt – when you can curl up all snug amongst the quilts and go back to sleep, knowing that when you wake everything will be okay.

Well, I’ve resounded myself to the fact this is a feeling I will never have again! The reality I’m in has become worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had and all hope is gone for making a recovery.  I’m tired of of it all. Each day is becoming more and more of a struggle and I’m not sure I have the strength to live a full life like this – one where darkness is my home and the view from the other side gets more appealing by the day. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live with this pain either – if someone was to offer me a shot of that heavenly potion they use at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland I’d take it in a heartbeat (Excuse the pun) I really would.

For what is life without hope. When recurring thoughts of a knife in the jugular or a perfectly woven noose become more frequent, and deep depression sets up home inside of you, it becomes a monotonous spiel of black. Well i’m tired of being in the dark – I’m getting more and more crippled by the day here and I don’t know how to cope. Some days I think i’m doing okay but then the grey matter arrives and it just gets blacker and blacker and blacker. CRPS is evil, it has this bitter hatred for its host and will do all it can to eat it alive. It’s doing pretty well feeding off me both physically and mentally. I’m slowly dying and I’d appreciate it if it could shift up a gear or two. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. Nothing! And the only light in this tunnel is the train coming straight for me!!!

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13 comments

  1. I won’t like this because I am sorry you are running out of hope. Not that I blame you. I can’t imagine living in that situation. Medicine is moving faster than ever. Perhaps something will come through in time. I hope for you, anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It can be hard with all the ups and downs tou must experience. My day started off great and got bad really quick, and I don’t even have too bad of a pain issue. This neuropathy is annoying, but tolerable.

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  2. I hate that you’re feeling this way, but I understand. Even with what little I have to bear compared to so many, it drives me to sheer distraction. I cannot imagine the weight on your shoulders. But, I don’t ‘like’ this post, either. It breaks my heart to know that anyone has to feel this way. Gentle hugs to you, and lots of prayers, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not too bad thank you – still struggling – constantly filled with anxiety – I know worrying doesn’t get you anywhere or change things for the better but what is happening to my body is filling me with so much dread – I’ve deteriorated so much the last 6 months and I’m worried for what the future holds. I thought it would get easier to cope with but the worse I get physically the bigger the impact, mentally. I’m picking my wheelchair up tomorrow and the thought of what the trip will do to me pain-wise is giving my stomach constant butterflies. I just don’t ever see a relief from this. It seems the pain is unmanageable and all the future holds is the same four walls. I just can’t seem to come to terms with it and the little understanding I have from my doctors just makes it all the more difficult. Anyway, I bet you wish you never asked me now, aha… How are you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do not regret asking! So shush :p I don’t want to say that I understand, because how could I? We’re all different. Just that the pain level I’ve been in is new to me and has been daily and constant. I actually cut off almost all my hair yesterday because I couldn’t deal with trying to do anything with it in the mornings while the pain increased with standing and movement. But you know what I mean, and to a much further extent. I think by now you have your wheelchair. I cannot imagine the emotional implications of that, but I hope that it’s helpful, in any amount, physically. I’ve thought about getting a custom cane done – really trick it out 🙂 There’s so little choice involved in this sort of stuff, may as well take control where we can. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Most welcome. There have been times when the tears have been rolling down my face because the pain has been so bad I could scream. Those are the times I have been needing to howl because there was nobody there to acknowledge my pain.x

        Liked by 1 person

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