Wit’s End…

Well it’s been a tough few days… I keep trying to do something positive out of this situation but the pain always has a habit of sinking me further – I have no idea what is going on inside my body as it deteriorates and I can’t help but look forward to a bleak future… I nearly came close to deleting this blog through fear of droning on but the fact is it’s an honest account of me and my struggles with crippling pain, so if I come across as a moaning hypochondriac who should be dealing with this in a better way then so be it and jog on – I care not of your judgements anymore…

I’m bitter – I resent the fact this could have all been avoided – had I got the right physiotherapy after my initial operation I firmly believe I would not be in this position. But, the fact of the matter is, there is nothing I can do about that because all physiotherapists have their own way of treating people and his ego would have him believe otherwise… I’m frustrated because I have no control of my body – the smallest of exercises causes my body to fucking erupt and burn the living day lights out of me – this is hell on fucking earth and I’m not sure I can take it getting much worse… And… I’m angry… I’m angry because I have so much to give yet find myself here battling with the pain every second, of every minute of every fucking day – I am totally consumed by pain I have no fucking idea who I am anymore… I’m well and truly lost…

It’s getting to the stage where I’m needing a full time carer… I feel like I’m in a permanent nightmare – I remember when I was a little kid and I used to wake up from having a bad dream and that feeling of relief when realising it was just that, was amazing – and to be able to just go back to sleep and wake up all normal… Sigh… But this is very real – it’s getting progressively worse and the nightmare carries on and won’t end until I know 100% what is going on inside me – I can’t accept the CRPS diagnosis alone – my muscles are deteriorating rapidly and I need some one to see what I see and come up with an explanation that fits – without that I can’t see how I can move forward – what the fuck do I say to people – ‘hey, I’m a cripple but I don’t know why, I just am.’ This is the 21st fucking century for gods sake…

And please, I am not writing this for pity, the last thing I want is for people to tell me how sorry they are I just needed to get it out there into the universe and apologies for all the swearing…

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17 comments

  1. You my friend, don’t you every fucking say our sorry for swearing, hell a bloody good bitch and moan gets it out there and that my friend is a dam site better than bottleing it all up and waiting for it to explode, I could quite easily copy all your post and put my name to it, I know what your going through, as I go through it every day, you my friend keep on at them , make them listen and refer you to specialist, above all deep breaths, keep strong, you want another bitch, I,m here, hell swear , curse, call me a grumpy old nosey git, it don’t matter the offers there, simple as ,, be strong , take care, no retreat , no surrender, quitting is no option, we keep going on ,,

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You really are a nice bloke – your words are a great help and your posts are very inspiring – I’m so grateful for your support when you are having health problems of your own …. I’m definitely going to keep on at them – I really hope I find out when my pain management apt is this week and I’ll make sure I get what I think I need from them – it seems it will be my last option so I have to make it count… Thanks again and yes, we keep going on…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Definitely do not delete the blog, its not all happiness and dreams come true because it’s real life and unfortunately in life we can end up like this, it’s important for people to read and understand what it’s like behind closed doors. I guess the reason that people like us don’t get answers and proper care is down to money, if we had the funds then we would happily spend fortunes to try and sort the pain.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I won’t do and you are so right – even though I don’t believe in money bringing happiness it would certainly allow me to have more treatment – gosh if I had loads of money I’d move to a hot country – at least then my legs wouldn’t be as cold – they’re burning on the inside but my skin is ice cold and it’s a constant discomfort so at least that’s one thing the warmer weather would help. But the reality is different and it is what it is… Thank you for the support I appreciate it, I really do…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. i know you’re not trying to get attention! you’re telling your story as it is. and what it is, is a story of pain and constant struggle. i admire you. i know how bad it is to live with my problems, i can’t imagine how tough it must be for you. kudos to you for sharing your feelings and for being so strong (even if you feel you’re not)!

    hugs! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for that… No the last thing I’m wanting is attention – all I need and crave from people is understanding and empathy and it seems there is an abundance of that through WP & Twitter and it is of great help… Thank you for your support and all the nice things you say about me it means a lot… You’re a very talented artist, keep up the amazing work…

      Like

  4. You know you are doing the right thing and you are doing all you can do at the moment. Yes, I agree, you need a lot more help from the medical field! Depression overwhelms anyone, and everyone, with CRPS. Not all of our stories are alike by any means. Some are worse and some are better. I would like for you to keep your blog up, please. Not only for others out there, but for yourself too. I know it’s easier said than done, but hang in there so you can get more insight to what is going on inside of you. Do you deserve this? Hell no!!! You do have so much to give, and I know it may be hard to see right now what you do for other people, but you do help others a lot. We need you just as much as you need others. Any ideas or suggestions others can give may help build something for you to tell the medical field. And there is more than CRPS going on. There is a root to this problem that has not been discovered yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on MAL's MURMURINGS and commented:
    not an easy read but brimful of honesty. When will serious research be done into the many chronic pain conditions that many people have to endure? The swearing in this instance is totally appropriate – my thoughts and prayers go out to Chris.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for telling it just how it is. I cannot even begin to imagine the insufferable pain you must carry around with you every single day…so thanks for swearing and cursing and being yourself and telling the world how you feel. Life is not all a bed of roses…suffering is so often skimmed over…ignored. I admire you for your courage and bravery with what you are facing everyday. Keep making lots of noise about getting better help with pain, do not stop, and my thoughts are with you right now, and my prayers. Keep strong, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re very welcome and thank you for your comment – I’m definitely going to make lots of noise to get what I feel I require, I’ve kept quiet and been too soft for too long now – thanks again for your message and your support is amazing thank you…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Glad you feeling a little better , my friend , and a few home truths never go amiss , failing that have a good old bitch and rant, lol keep strong,…. Always say it as it is and how you feel, that I believe makes a good blog, and blogger , take care mate ,

    Liked by 1 person

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