The Snowball Effect…

Depression was the first layer of the snowball to mould itself firmly into place – it didn’t take long to realise chronic pain doesn’t come alone! It comes from nowhere and builds and builds itself on negative emotions, leading to a place of complete and utter despair…

When my pain first started it was nothing, a slight irritant maybe, but nothing else. I was working up to 80 hour weeks at work, on my feet, all day long, working two full time jobs at the same time – a clothes shop during the day from 9-5 then bartending at night from 6 till around 4 in the morning. The pain was there all day and night, gradually getting worse throughout my shifts but I was totally mobile and in complete control of my body. People forget this, I was a hard working sod and worked for 3 years in constant pain, chronic pain, then my operation happened and it’s never been the same since…

The depression came about two years after my Hip Arthrocopy (Key-Hole surgery) I wasn’t able to work during that time and it got to a point after being passed from here, there and everywhere, I felt I was starting to make some progress after starting studio Pilates. I’d got myself a new full time job as a support worker helping young adults with learning disabilities and was starting to look for a place of my own to live. I was so happy to have my independence back having been back at home the last 2 years since the operation and even more so that I could start paying my taxes again! Sounds strange but it’s true. I’d give anything to start paying them again…

I was into my third shift at my new job when everything changed. I helped lift a mobility scooter from the boot of a clients car, a damn mobility scooter of all things changed the course of my life, slightly ironic I may have to use one in the near future but that’s a different post, all this irony I’ve been noticing lately. Anyway, the scooter – something happened when lifting it down and the burning was back with a vengeance, meaner than ever with more volatility than I could have imagined. I tried to ignore it as I went about my day as the pain gradually spread throughout both of my legs and lower back with each step I took. I knew it was serious, I felt sick!!! The depression had surfaced and was preparing to ooze its evil nature right out of me, none stop!!!

When you realise you have become totally consumed by pain in every way and the depression gets more intense, the anger decides to join in and the snowball gets more fluency – you start to slowly notice, one by one, that you don’t have anywhere near as many friends you once thought. Nowhere near – they were all just temporary acquaintances with no solidity whatsoever. The lesson on society and its loyalty was one well and truly learnt…

Then the isolation sneaks its way in there. No longer can you do the things you once could leading to a lot more time spent alone. You either spend days off work sick pissing off your employers because they don’t understand or believe you, or you can’t work at all. People see you as a let down because you can’t stick to your plans properly having to cancel regularly, sometimes last minute. Feelings of Inadequacy prove overwhelming, the bitterness arrives, so cold in nature and the frustration can take its toll. With it all moulded together, it can fuck you up big time!!!

But we are all fighters and I think we are dealing with something a lot tougher than we realise here. It’s just we’re that used to it we don’t even know it. All this pain in its many forms has manifested itself so that it has become normal….

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6 comments

  1. …like the layers of an onion, a very strong one that causes you to cry, so much has built up layer by layer, to cause you so much suffering, and it is so complex sounding…and yes, ironic that it was a mobility scooter that triggered it all off…stay brave my friend, and it is indeed a privilege to be speaking with you. Such deep detailed sensitive words…hope a wee glimmer of hope reveals itself soon. Take care…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a way to describe, absolutely spot on there… It has become a very complex problem I have but I have to try and hope there’s someone out there who can help. I’d be a guinea pig if needs be… Thank you so much and the pleasure is all mine…😃

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is 6 days old. I hope you are feeling much better than u did while writing this. If not, dude, jus go grab a beer chill out n leave this shit behind already! – just kidding 🙂
    Its all easier said than done. Few people do not even make a cincuous effort to come out of their cocoon though it’s not a best place to be in. I am glad you are making one. You’ll do better amd very soon. Don’t just hang in there buddy, distract yourself do whatever it takes.
    Lots of love,
    Maddy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, really appreciate that. Yeah I’m okay thanks, plodding on as you do trying to distract myself as much as possible like you say. Could do with another 10 beers on top of that one though, cheers Maddy…

      Liked by 1 person

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